What Happened Next?
by Rafi77
Summary: Please read the details of this story that are inside before actually reading it. This takes place in between the events of On Her Majesty's Secret Service and Diamonds Are Forever, about a month after Tracy Di Vicenzo's death. I'll be waiting for reviews


_**OK, this is my first James Bond story. As you read from the summary it takes place in between the events of OHMSS and DAF**__**, and I just made up something that happens after Tracy's death. (I know that the amount of time between those two assignments in the films is actually about 2 years, but I actually made it only about a month, because I thought it would fit the story better.) This isn't really anything much, but I just wanted to explore Bond's thoughts and feelings a little bit, so I thought of writing this. The story also has an appearance from Bond's sometimes-girlfriend, Sylvia Trench from Dr No and From Russia With Love. **_

_**I'll be waiting to hear what everyone thinks. Anyway, as I said this is my first James Bond story – so be nice, please! I'm completely inexperienced at writing this sort of thing, basically the only reason I wrote it is to show everyone that I think Bond does have feelings after all.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the James Bond characters mentioned in this story.**_

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It had been almost a month since the death of James Bond's wife, Tracy Di Vicenzo. He had been out of action for almost four weeks. It was strange, but the next day after the Tracy's terrible murder, news of her death had already reached M, and he was already starting to get phone calls from people offering their condolences, mostly guests who had been to his wedding. But one thing he found it very strange and perhaps very uncaring that M expected him to go back to work immediately after Tracy's death. He was constantly being called about new cases to work on. Didn't people understand that this wasn't something that he could get over all that quickly? It took time. Everyone seemed to think that he was some sort of unbeatable robot with no feelings, and physically incapable of getting his heart broken. But that wasn't true. Of course he never showed any feelings when he worked, but he had no choice. But now what was everyone expecting him to say? "Oh yeah, my dead wife…well, you know, there are plenty of other fish in the sea…" Of course he couldn't say that. True, there were plenty of other fish in the sea…but none like Tracy. He had told her that himself. He had said that he would never find another girl like her. And he really couldn't, no matter how far he looked. No girl could ever replace Tracy now.

Today M had called him over to work on a case about some diamond smugglers. Now he had his old life to go back to. And a few weeks ago, he was convinced that they had all the time in the world. He was more than ready to give up all of this, to give up the secret service, a life of dangerous adventures, just to be with Tracy. But now all of a sudden that was all gone, shattered in a burst of machine gun fire, and now he had to face the secret and dangerous world of working for MI6 again.

Sometimes he dreamed about Tracy. In one dream, he saw her across the street and caught her eye…but she just looked away. In others he just got flashbacks of her slumped back in her car seat with a bullet in her head and a streak of blood running down her forehead. The image was too horrible to describe. The dreams were less frequent now, but there was still the occasional nightmare.

James had always had a secret. He never really liked the kind of life he had. Sure, it was exciting, sometimes it was even _fun_. Sometimes the fame he got for saving the world was satisfying. But somehow he didn't feel entirely satisfied. When he met Tracy he thought that he could finally get the life he had always dreamed about, perhaps even start a family someday. But that was all over now. Maybe he just wasn't cut from the right cloth to lead that kind of life. Maybe he was supposed to be the lonely superhero, and leave the quiet family life for someone else.

But now he had to go back to headquarters. He had stayed away for long enough. He had to face the world he had always known. More importantly, he had to see Moneypenny again. He smiled as he remembered the look on her face at his wedding. She was actually crying. Just before he and Tracy drove off, he tossed his hat at Moneypenny and gave her one last glance. He always knew that Moneypenny had feelings for him, but he had never done anything about it. He had always preferred the frequent one-night stand with the more attractive girls. He loved the fun of seducing them, sometimes even the danger of seducing threatening women. Until he met Tracy, that is. That was when he realised that he had a dream of settling down. But that dream had died, along with Tracy, and now he had to face it and get back to the life that he had always known, as much as he didn't like it.

James Bond picked up his hat, left his Chelsea apartment and went back to MI6 headquarters. Although this wasn't the right time for him to go on an assignment. He wouldn't be able to do a good job. And he always took his job very seriously. Anyway, the only thing he wanted to do now, was to kill Ernst Stavro Blofeld. But that could wait for later. Now he had some serious work to do.

When he got through the door, he pulled his usual signature move and tossed his hat across the room. It landed straight on the hat-stand. He closed the door behind him and saw Moneypenny across the room. She had her back turned to him, and she was sorting out a stack of papers. He smiled. It seemed as if he hadn't seen her in ages. It was strange how slowly time passed when one was upset and how quickly it passed when you're having fun.

Moneypenny got startled by the sudden noise and dropped the stack of papers that she was holding on the floor. She turned around. "James!" she said and smiled. "You're back." She sighed. "Look what you made me do."

"Awfully sorry about that, my dear," James said and smiled. He went over to her desk. "How are you anyway?"

"Never better," Moneypenny said and sat down behind the desk after she finished picking up the papers. Her smile left her face for a moment. "And how are you?" she asked seriously. James knew that she was going to mention Tracy at some point. He didn't know why, he just had a feeling that this conversation wasn't going to be the same as the flirtatious ones they used to have. He remembered one time before he left on a mission to find Auric Goldfinger. He had come out of M's office and asked, "What do you know about gold, Moneypenny?"

She had smiled and replied, "The only gold I know about is the kind you wear. You know, on the ring finger of your left hand…"

Then his reply had been "You know, one of these days we really must look into that."

But this time he didn't think that this would be a similar conversation. He sat down opposite the desk. "I've never been in a better mood in my life," James finally said. He didn't exactly mean that in a sarcastic way. Moneypenny glanced at M's office door. "You'll have to wait for a while, he's busy," she said, trying to keep her voice on a casual level.

James didn't reply. There were a few minutes of an awkward silence. Moneypenny looked uncomfortable. But then she smiled at him. "Its good to have you back, James," she said.

"When did I ever leave?" he asked seriously. Moneypenny didn't reply. James didn't feel like making a witty remark right then, even though it would break the ice. He suddenly realised that this was one of the first situations in his life when he actually felt uncomfortable. And he _never _felt uncomfortable about anyone. In fact he always knew what to say in every kind of situation. But this was different now. Maybe the loss of a loved one really did change people's behaviour a lot. But one thing he wondered, was whether he would be uncomfortable in any other kind of situation, or was it just when Moneypenny was in the room?

Moneypenny cleared her throat awkwardly. "James, I just…" she paused for a second and pursed her lips together. She waited for a few seconds, then she spoke quietly. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry," she said. "For what happened to you," she waited a few more minutes and looked even more uncomfortable. She fiddled with her fingernails. "Tracy was very beautiful," she said even more quietly. "And I was happy for you," she said and looked at him right in the eyes this time. "I just want you to know that I was truly happy for you."

James looked around the room, unsure of what to say next. He knew that she hadn't really been happy for him. In fact she had been the most unhappy he had ever seen her. She had cried at his wedding. He remembered that. For a moment, before he drove off in his Aston Martin, he actually felt sorry that he was leaving her. Although this was the worst time to be talking about something like this. He tried to change the subject first. "Tracy was in the past," he said quietly. "Now I'm back in business."

Moneypenny looked a bit surprised when he said that. He knew what she was thinking. She was probably thinking that James was some sort of cold-hearted bastard for saying that, for forgetting his murdered wife so quickly. But he hadn't forgotten a bit of it. That was the whole reason why he had said that. But then Moneypenny looked at him again. "I know," she said quickly. "I just…thought you might like to know that. That I really was happy for you on that day."

James smiled for a moment and gave her a sly look. "You cried on my wedding day, 'Penny," he said quietly. "I saw you. Just before I tossed my hat over to you." He had got her this time. She looked uncomfortable again and she almost blushed. He had seen her blush plenty of times, but he had never seen her look so fidgety and uncomfortable.

Finally she smiled. "I told you, I always cry at weddings," she said. James smirked.

"Whatever you say, 'Penny," he said slyly.

Moneypenny didn't smile this time. This was one of the first times that she hadn't smiled constantly during their conversations. James reached in his pocket and lit a cigarette. A few more minutes of silence passed. Moneypenny picked up a pen and tapped it on the desk nervously, glancing up at James at regular intervals. James took a puff from his cigarette and studied her face curiously. He had never been in this kind of situation with her before. Just for a moment, he wished that M would hurry up and call him inside already before things got any more awkward than this. For another moment, he felt a warm rush of affection for Moneypenny. He liked seeing her at a loss for words sometimes. Of course he hated the fact that she had brought up Tracy, but sometimes it was better if he talked about it, to get something off his chest for once. Because it was true, he did lie a lot of times in his life. He remembered the time he was having a lunchtime tryst with Sylvia Trench and Moneypenny called and told him to come back to the office. He said that he was "reviewing an old case." He laughed inside himself when he thought of that. When was he ever going to become an honest person? Another problem was that he never trusted anyone. Of course that was part of his job. It was something he had learned. But once again, he had to admit that a lot of times he hated not being able to trust anyone. Perhaps that meant that no one was able to trust him either.

Moneypenny stopped tapping her pen and looked at James' eyes. "Tell me something, James," she said, finally breaking the silence. "Of course you don't have to answer this if you don't want to," she added quickly. "But when you got married – did you really want to get married, or did you just think you did?" She paused for a second. "What I mean is – did you really want that kind of life? Did you want to leave this life? To leave me?"

Moneypenny dropped her eyes and blushed again as soon as she said that. James chuckled again. There was something funny about her when she got embarrassed like that. James put out his cigarette and sighed. "That's a rather complicated question, isn't it?" he said quietly.

"No question's too complicated for you," Moneypenny said and smiled.

James smiled. "Maybe it's true," he said admittedly. "I would have missed you. It," he quickly corrected himself then. "I meant to say, I would have missed _it_."

What had come over him today, James thought to himself? He was messing up his words in front of Moneypenny, something that he had never done in front of any woman, not even Tracy when he first met her. It really was strange how losing someone could change a person. Unless of course, it wasn't the loss of Tracy that was making him behave like this, but something else that he just couldn't quite put his finger on. He had never told her anything for all these years, though. They had just been friends. Although that was because he never thought that there was any chemistry between them. Until now, that was. Because that was the only word he could think of, chemistry.

"You know, I'm a bit tired today," James said finally, just to break the ice. "Just ignore the fact that I keep messing up my words, would you?"

Moneypenny smiled. "Sure," she said. Her voice sounded very sweet in the silence of the office. Then her look turned serious again. "I would have missed you too, James," she said and nodded. "More than you know."

No, he did know, James thought to himself. Now he knew what it was like to really miss someone. And now he knew that he had feelings for Moneypenny. But he tried to put them back where they came from. It wasn't fair to Tracy now. Only a month after she died. For a moment, instead of Moneypenny sitting opposite him, instead he pictured Tracy in his mind. She was smiling at him, just like she had smiled when he drove her away from their wedding. James blinked and Moneypenny's image quickly came back.

"You OK?" Moneypenny asked gloomily and smiled half-heartedly at him.

James smiled back and nodded. "Yes," he said finally. "Never better, of course."

"You know," Moneypenny continued quietly. "All these years, I never thought that you cared about me."

James sighed. "Well, maybe I do, maybe I don't," he said cautiously. "There's one kind of care, and then…then there's another kind of care."

There were another few moments of complete silence. Moneypenny nodded. "I know that, James," she said and smiled gloomily. "And I'll never count on anything more than that kind of care. I know what you're like."

James doubted that she really knew what he was like. He had just found out the hard way that he could fall in love after all, hadn't he? But Moneypenny was just…well, she was just Moneypenny. She would never be anything more to him. That concept had never entered his head. That wouldn't change now. But now he had to tell her something else. Something that wouldn't hurt her feelings. And maybe it would even be true. "Moneypenny, I…" James started off, although just at that moment, his words were interrupted by a buzzing noise. They both turned and glanced at M's office door. The light had buzzed green. He had to go in.

James turned back and looked at Moneypenny. She was waiting in anticipation. But now he'd just have to tell her afterwards, wouldn't he? "In you go," Moneypenny said and nodded towards the door. She smiled at him. James got up silently and walked towards the door, not looking back at her, but knowing that she was still watching him. Enough of that now, he thought to himself. Now he had important business to take care of.

Not much distracted his attention as M explained what his next mission would involve. Of course he knew that it would be the same as all the others. Now he was soon going to go back to a world of martinis, girls and guns, to say the least. Even if Tracy was dead, he was honestly thinking of retiring sometime soon. Perhaps that kind of life just wasn't for him after all. The kind of life where he could usually never stay in the same place for more than a few minutes without being interrupted by gunmen, and where he had to check behind every picture and light switch in every hotel room he visited. The life where it was perfectly normal to find a beautiful woman in your bath or your bed or your closet. In fact he was half-expecting to find one when he got home now. Not that he actually minded that part. Well, not usually anyway. If of course it was a woman working with the people he was after, he would just pull a "come-to-my-side-right-now-or-die" move, or unfortunately in very rare cases it was come-to-my-side-AND-die.

Still, what else could he do? Now he was back in business. James hated to be a show-off, but where would her majesty's secret service be without him? There was one slight difference today, though. He was starting to get distracted by his last conversation with Moneypenny. He had really never spoken to her like that before, never had any awkward silences with her. That was the last thing in the world that he thought would happen. Although then again, perhaps it was just a coincidence. Maybe Tracy's death really had changed the way he behaved towards women. Although that was hardly convenient now that he was back in business. And he never thought that he actually had feelings for Moneypenny. James was rarely ever surprised with himself, but in this case, he most definitely was. But still, he thought to himself, he didn't have any time to worry about that now. For now he would just ignore it. As he said, it was just a coincidence. He had just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, which he actually had been, too many times before to remember.

He exited M's office about five minutes later. By now he had actually forgotten what it was that he was going to tell Moneypenny. He didn't think that it was anything, really. He would have just said anything that came into his head, just to break the silence. But he had to tell her something now. When he came out Moneypenny smiled at him again, as if she had forgotten everything that had happened before. So what was he going to tell her now? Her smile left her face as James walked over and sat on her desk. They looked at each other again. The awkward feeling still wasn't gone, which was strange. Maybe it wasn't just a one-time thing after all. James looked down at Moneypenny, wondering what it was that he wanted to say. But then another buzz was heard from the phone next to the desk. Both their eyes darted towards it. "Save the usual chit-chat, Miss Moneypenny, 007's in a hurry," came M's stern voice from the machine.

James rolled his eyes and got up. He didn't have any time now. He would sort that out when he returned. It wasn't very important anyway. Moneypenny seemed disappointed but she just smiled at James as if she meant to say that it doesn't matter, he can tell her later. James picked up his hat and headed for the door. "Ciao," he said smiled at Moneypenny.

"Good luck," Moneypenny said to him seriously. They looked at each other again for quite a few minutes as James stood by the door. He didn't know why, but he didn't walk out, at least not immediately. Instead, he walked back over to Moneypenny's desk. Moneypenny looked at him, wondering what he had come back for. James didn't know himself for a few minutes, but then for no particular reason, he leaned over the desk and kissed her for a few seconds. He had kissed her before, but it had always been on the cheek, never more than a nanosecond. He didn't know why he did it, he just felt a strange compulsion to. He didn't feel much when he did it. It was just something that he did on the spur of the moment. Which was very strange, because he didn't usually do many things on the spur of the moment. Moneypenny looked very surprised when he pulled away from her and straightened his tie. He looked at her again for a few seconds, and then he simply nodded, opened the door and this time walked out of the room without a second glance at her.

As he exited the office, he was kind of angry about what he had just done. It must have been one of the strangest moments of his life now that he thought about it. James rarely ever did anything just _because_. He always had a reason for everything that he did. He remembered once saying, "Oh, the things I do for England," as an excuse for making love to a random woman. And he had insisted that it hadn't given him any pleasure when he spent a night with Fiona Volpe and then discovered what kind of woman she was. Of course he had figured it out all along, that's why his gun had been under the pillow all the time. Of course he was joking when he said that. He had to admit that he really did do things just to enjoy himself sometimes. But this had happened for no reason at all, and he didn't like that, he didn't like the fact that even he didn't know the reason.

James briskly walked back to his apartment. He was supposed to be on a plane to Amsterdam right then, but he decided that that could wait. He intended to waste that evening away drinking martinis and then maybe inviting a beautiful woman home so that he could forget about the events of that day. Then he thought that he must probably be the most insensitive man ever, not even two months had passed since his wife's death and he was already bringing home other women. But maybe this was just his way of coping. And he hated to admit it, but he had always been like that. In a way it was part of his job. He was almost required to always move from one woman to another. And when one of them died, he always had to quickly get over it and move on, something which was usually relatively easy to do, except now of course. He was one of the few people who had to go through things like that in their lives.

James went back home, removed his jacket and poured himself a drink. He glanced next to the bottle of vodka, at the framed picture of Tracy that stood propped up on the table. He looked at it and sighed. "Here's to you, Tracy," he said and took a sip from his glass. "We still have all the time in the world. Don't forget that," he added and sat down on an armchair heavily. He took off his tie and tossed it to one side. Not much went through his mind as he sat there. Maybe it was the vodka that was dulling his senses, or maybe it was something else, he wasn't sure. He glanced out of the window. He found it rather strange how much time had passed since he had last been disturbed by someone with a gun or other similar weapon barging into the room. Perhaps the world was going easy on him because of Tracy. He was sure that the whole world knew about her death by now, after all.

James finished his drink and lit another cigarette. He had always been a heavy smoker. Tracy didn't like it when he smoked. He had actually been thinking of giving up before she died. He would have done anything for her. He could have given her the world. But then again, the world is not enough, he thought to himself bitterly. And he couldn't agree more right then. But still, he would have done anything in his power to make her happy, something he had never done for another woman in his life. Although Tracy wasn't really the type of woman that wanted people to do things for her. She was a much stronger person than that, she could do everything herself. That was something he had always liked about her. He liked independent women. "Why do you persist in rescuing me, Mr Bond?" she had asked after he had bailed her out after she lost heavily at a casino. Because if he hadn't, then he wouldn't have had the chance to fall in love with her and marry her. I'll never fall in love again, James thought to himself as he took another puff from his cigarette. At least he would try. But he still had to admit that everything was possible.

James walked over to his desk and opened the first drawer. In it he had mementos of all his other missions. He smiled as he drew out Honey Ryder's hunting knife. He remembered the song she was singing when she came out of the sea with those shells of hers. She was a sweet girl, but he soon got bored of her. He knew it was mean of him to say that but it was true. There wasn't anything exciting about her at all. And he could get bored very easily. For a moment he wondered if he would ever have got bored of Tracy if she hadn't died. But soon he just shook that thought away and ruffled through the drawer. He put the knife down and drew out a watch. Except it was more than a watch, it was also an instrument for suffocating people, and it belonged to Red Grant, who had a strange preference for red wine with fish. He smirked at that too. He put the watch down too and went deeper into the drawer. He drew out the small breathing device that had saved his life when he was on a mission to stop Emilio Largo. That seemed like ages ago now. Even Tracy's death seemed like years ago now. It was strange how slowly time could pass sometimes. He looked even deeper in the drawer, and then he found a piece of paper with a phone number on it and a note underneath it.

_Call me anytime, I'll always be around__ – although I won't lose sleep over it if you don't call…_

_Sylvia_

_x__xxxx_

Sylvia…James remembered Sylvia Trench. He had met her at a casino once, when he was on one of his first missions to find Dr No. He had beaten her at a game of baccarat. He smiled at the smooth way he had picked her up on that night. He had invited her to play golf sometime, and then a few hours later he had found her in his room playing golf in a dressing gown. Good times, he thought to himself. Very good times.

Maybe he really should give old Sylvia a call sometime. He had nothing else to do after all and he wasn't looking forward to leaving for Amsterdam. He could have fun with someone like her…even if she was a bit of a bitch sometimes. James smiled. A night with Sylvia would be fun to distract him for a while. He hadn't seen her in years, ever since he left on a mission to Istanbul and even then they had been interrupted by a call from the office, by Moneypenny of all people.

James picked up the phone and gave the number on the paper a try. He did indeed hear Sylvia's voice after a few seconds. It was kind of refreshing to hear her voice again – like he was back in those good times. "I've always wanted to hear your voice again after all these years," James said over the phone and smiled. He waited for what her response to such a line would be. There was a minute of silence on the other end.

"James, is that you?" he heard after a minute.

"Who else?" James asked and smiled again. "You hadn't forgotten about me, had you?"

"How could I?" Sylvia said and didn't sound surprised at all, as if the last time they had spoken had been yesterday. "I'm so glad to hear from you, James," she continued and laughed. "You know I've been thinking of you these days, wondering when you'd call me again."

Fat chance that that had ever happened, James thought and laughed to himself. She probably had forgotten all about him. "Of course you have," James said sarcastically. Sylvia didn't seem to find it funny.

"And I've missed those sarcastic comments of yours as well of course," she replied. "Anyway. What made you suddenly remember me out of the blue?"

James knew that Sylvia had gotten tired of him. She didn't sound too glad to be hearing from him. Well, he was sure that if he ever saw her again, she would be glad to see him, James thought to himself. But James supposed that she didn't like the way he always had to rush off at the most inconvenient time.

"Well, you know," James said and smiled to himself again. He didn't see any reason not to tease her a bit. "I couldn't stop thinking about you. Day and night, I've been wondering if you still think of me sometimes."

"Oh please," Sylvia said sarcastically, and James could almost hear her rolling her eyes on the other end of the line. "You know that you don't fool me with anything you say, Mr Bond," she continued. "You've probably been with a thousand more girls since you met me. Why would you suddenly remember me?"

"All right, I confess," James said finally. "I ran into your number when I was rummaging through an old drawer. So sue me," he said.

"That's more like it," Sylvia said. "You know I can't resist a man who tells the truth. Anyway, how are you?"

"Never better," replied James as usual. He had gotten used to saying that ever since Tracy's death, ironically. "Listen, I was thinking," James continued. "If you're not too busy sometime later, maybe you could come round here and play a game of golf for a while. You know. For old time's sake."

"I can be there in half an hour," Sylvia said immediately. "I've been around these parts. See you soon, Mr Bond," she said and again he could almost hear her smiling this time. Then she hung up. James laughed as he followed suit. He wasn't sure whether or not he could do that with any woman, or only with Sylvia, but he found it funny how quickly she had agreed with him. But anyway. Now his mood had improved. Some company tonight would be really good, especially from a fun-loving girl like Sylvia. And he knew that Sylvia wouldn't refuse to play something else too after they finished that golf game…

James smiled to himself again. That suddenly got him thinking about all the other girls that he had met. They were always different, and sometimes, even though it pained him to think so, it was necessary to eliminate some of them himself. He remembered the time he was dancing with Fiona Volpe when he noticed that someone was pointing a gun at him through a curtain on the stage. He had swung her round to take the bullet that was meant for him. But he found what he did next sort of funny, to be honest. He sat Fiona down at a table and said to the other occupants, "Would you mind if my friend sits this one out? She's just dead!"

James had always prided himself with his witty remarks, but they had been fewer and fewer in number since Tracy died. But he mustn't think of Tracy now. He suddenly remembered Honey again, and all the other girls he had missed a chance to have a relationship with. And Domino Derval, two missions later. Close, but no cigar, he thought to himself. He also remembered Jill Masterson, the girl that they painted gold. If only he hadn't gone out of the room to get that champagne, maybe Jill would still be alive today. But then again, there was no point in thinking, "if only" right then. Because if only hadn't stopped the car and got out when he was driving away from his wedding, then Tracy might still be alive. Or he might even have died with her. He glanced at Tracy's photo again and sighed. "I love you," he muttered to the photo. "I hope your life in heaven's less complicated than mine now."

He had to stop thinking of Tracy all the time though, and start to think of the things he normally thought about. James got up and drew the curtains. It was getting dark. Sylvia would be here soon. James put all his mementos back in the drawer. Just as he closed it, at that moment he heard his doorbell ring. That was fast, he thought to himself. Women really must find him irresistible.

When he opened the door he saw Sylvia standing there wearing a plastic smile and the same red dress she was wearing when he met her at the casino on that night. He recognised it. There was one thing that he had suddenly noticed about Sylvia though, the fact that she always had one eyebrow out of alignment.

"Is that the way you always play golf?" James asked, feeling a flashback of déjà vu as he said that. He smiled at Sylvia in his usual way.

"Is that that the way you always speak to someone you haven't seen in so long?" Sylvia said and lowered her eyebrows, or at least one of them. Then she smiled. "Anyway, it's good to see you again, James. May I come in?"

James stood aside for her to enter and closed the door. Sylvia hadn't changed since the last time he saw her, neither on her face nor her character. "Why didn't you call me any time sooner?" Sylvia asked and walked inside. "I figured you'd forgotten all about me, and now suddenly here you are again. What do you know."

"Yes, it's funny how things turn out isn't it?" James said and stood next to her. "I'm sorry I didn't call sooner, dear. I've been very busy these days," Not entirely true, but still…he couldn't let Sylvia know about Tracy and him. She'd probably make fun of him anyway. "In fact I'll have to leave first thing in the morning," James continued. "I have to catch a flight to Amsterdam."

Sylvia laughed. "That's just typical of you, James. Here today, gone tomorrow. That's why I never decided to call you instead. I just didn't see the point of bothering any more. You've probably been with a thousand more girls since we last met, am I right?"

Sylvia looked around and her eyes set on James' desk. "Oh," she said admirably. James felt a great sense of awkwardness as he noticed that Sylvia's eyes were fixed on Tracy's picture. Damn that, he thought to himself. He was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he had forgotten to put it away somewhere.

Sylvia walked over to the desk and picked up Tracy's picture. James stood next to her, not quite sure how to respond. "I knew it," Sylvia said and laughed again. She smiled slyly at James. "Who is she, James? Your latest one?"

James took the picture from Sylvia's hands and put it down again. "Let's have a drink," he said, attempting to change to subject. Apparently it didn't work. Sylvia just picked up the picture again.

"She's very beautiful," she said and smiled at the picture. James felt irritation rising. Why couldn't she learn to leave people's personal belongings alone? "I don't know how you could let someone like her get away from you," Sylvia continued.

Yes indeed, how, James thought to himself then. Every time someone mentioned that his heart squeezed in his chest. Because he knew that he might have been able to save Tracy somehow. That was what had always bothered him since her death, that somehow it had become his fault.

"Well, sometimes people just have to go," James said to Sylvia. Then he took the picture again and put it in the desk drawer. "And yes," he added to Sylvia and glared at her. "She _was _very beautiful."

Sylvia looked at him oddly and cocked her head to one side. Her smile went away. "Was she a loved one, James?" she asked more gently this time.

James sighed and stood in front of Sylvia. "She was my wife," he said to her. She might as well know, he thought to himself. It didn't mean anything any more. Soon Tracy would be nothing else but a distant memory, and he didn't care how bad that sounded.

Sylvia widened her eyes. "Your wife?" she said incredulously. "Wow," Sylvia nodded. "Are you serious?"

James nodded. "Yes," he said very quietly. He found it kind of irritating that everyone found it so hard to believe that he had got married.

Sylvia nodded and seemed impressed again. "I never thought you would get married, James," she said and smiled. She waited for a second. "It's kind of funny really – you just living a normal life."

"What's so funny about it?" James asked defensively. He knew that everyone thought that he was just a robotic, perfect human being. And maybe he was. But that didn't mean that he couldn't be a normal person sometimes.

Sylvia looked at him. She shook her head and her smile went away. "I didn't mean it in a bad way," she said simply. "I just meant that – well, it's hardly convenient for you, is it?"

"No," James said snappily. "I guess that's why my wife was taken away from me by someone I should have killed a thousand times over."

That should shut her up, he thought to himself. Sylvia's expression turned even more serious and she looked uncomfortable this time. "I'm sorry, James," she said finally and sighed. In all the time he had spent with her, and that had been quite a lot long ago, he had never ever heard Sylvia say sorry. It was funny what he could do to women. "I just didn't think you would ever think about getting married, you know? You didn't seem like the kind of person who wanted that kind of commitment." Sylvia continued gently and smiled in a way he had once again never seen her smile.

"Yes. Neither did I," James nodded. He shut the desk drawer abruptly, taking one last look at Tracy's picture. Sylvia looked down at the floor, obviously uncomfortable again. James knew she wouldn't be talking about Tracy any more tonight.

James knew that it might have been a mistake to invite her over. It might put him in even worse spirits than he was before. Besides, he wasn't in the mood for fun tonight. But still, there wasn't much he could do now. Sylvia looked back up at him and tried to break the silence. "So," she said and walked away from the table. "What about that drink that we were talking about, huh?"

James poured a drink for them silently. This was the second time he had shared an uncomfortable moment with a woman on that day. What had gotten into him, he wondered? He wondered if it was just the subject of Tracy or if it was something else that had suddenly changed him. In any event he had to just try and act normal, at least for tonight.

He handed Sylvia a glass and stood in front of her. "Well," he said casually. "What shall we drink to, then?"

Sylvia thought about it. "To you," she said and smiled. She raised her glass. "Good luck on your next mission. Have a nice life."

James looked around and smiled at Sylvia. "That's a rather odd thing to say, isn't it? To have a nice life."

Sylvia shrugged. "Well I just figured, since I'm probably never going to see you again after this, we might as well say goodbye right now."

"Who says you're not going to see me again?" James asked and smiled again. "I'll still be around. I'll call you."

"Sure you will," Sylvia said and laughed sarcastically. "Just like you said you would about, what – five years ago?"

"I stand corrected," James said and nodded. "But anyway. Here's a better thing to drink to. To this moment, right now. To us."

Sylvia laughed. "All right then. To us," she said and they clinked their glasses together. Sylvia took a sip from the glass and smiled again. "You know, James," she said curiously. "You seem different to me since the last time I saw you."

James nodded. "That's funny, because you haven't changed a bit."

"I don't mean your face, I mean the way you act," Sylvia said and laughed. "You're just somehow more…normal, I suppose," she paused for a second. "Maybe I misjudged you, James," she continued and took another sip. "Maybe you're not the womanizing twit I always thought you were."

James laughed. "Well, I'm very flattered by your lovely compliment. That's a great thing to hear, especially from you."

Sylvia shrugged. "It's just that I never thought you would ever want to get married – I think it takes a pretty strong person to want that kind of commitment. And I just couldn't believe that you would want it. So I guess I have you all figured out now. You're a pretty strong secret agent with a license to kill who's afraid of letting people see what he's really like."

James thought that she wouldn't talk about Tracy again after the way he had acted when she did, but she still wouldn't give in, damn it. Well, he had figured out Sylvia too by now. She was incredibly annoying and never ceased to upset people by talking about things that she knew they didn't want to talk about.

For some reason though, James was interested in what she was saying. Sylvia might be annoying and sometimes just downright exasperating, and she might barely know him, but the truth was that she probably knew him better than he had ever known himself. He hated to say it, but perhaps she was right. He was a womanizing twit, and he did have a side of him that he didn't want anyone to see, the sensitive and vulnerable side that could hurt. The side of him that had fallen in love with Tracy and had actually let itself cry when a rain of bullets fell through both the windscreen and Tracy's forehead as she lay in his arms dying.

Sylvia was smiling. "I'm right, aren't I?" she asked. James looked at her seriously.

"What do you think I'm really like, Sylvia Trench?" he finally asked her and sounded annoyed. "You haven't seen me in years, have you? How would you know what I'm like?"

"Well, I don't, of course," Sylvia said and took another sip from her drink. "You're right, I barely know you. And besides, people like you are always mysterious. So no, I don't know. I was just taking a wild guess, hoping that maybe I would hit a soft spot in you."

And that wasn't such a difficult thing to do at that time, James had to admit. It really wasn't a difficult thing to do any more. "No woman's ever spoken to me quite like you have, Miss Trench," he said to her and managed a smile.

"I was hoping you would say that," Sylvia said and smiled, seeming satisfied that she had successfully annoyed him. She paused for a second. "I know you can't stand me, James. But then I just thought, what's a few comments like that between old friends, hmm?"

James nodded. "Yes indeed, I always did miss our little chats," he said and smiled.

Sylvia paused. "I remember when we were having a picnic, and you called me an old case," she said and laughed in her sarcastic way again. "Of course, that was something I definitely missed," she said and rolled her eyes.

"I'm sorry about that, my dear," James said. "It was necessary though, I'm afraid."

"I know. That's your answer for everything," Sylvia said.

James ignored that last remark. He remembered that day, the day just before he had left for Istanbul and met Tatiana Romanova. The office had called during a lunchtime tryst with Sylvia, and he remembered Moneypenny saying to him, "Your old case sounds interesting, James." He missed that too, he missed Moneypenny teasing him about all the girls he went with. It was kind of fun in a way. But now it seemed that just because Tracy had died, everything was different, and now everyone was behaving differently towards him. And he had changed too, he had to admit it. He had just had the strangest talk he had ever had with Moneypenny earlier today. Or maybe he just thought it was strange because he had had too much to drink. It didn't mean that anything was going to be different. Because Tracy was gone now.

Suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by Sylvia's voice again. She sounded more serious this time. "If you don't mind me asking," she said and glanced at the desk where Tracy's picture had been a few minutes ago. "When did she die?"

Did she really have nothing better to do than torment him, James thought to himself. How big of a bitch did she have to be at that moment. "Not long enough ago that I would actually be OK with someone mentioning her," he said to Sylvia sharply, hoping that maybe that would shut her up. If that didn't work, he would just try plan B, which was the obvious way: make love to her.

Sylvia looked embarrassed again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said quickly, but her voice sounded like she thought it was a drag that he didn't like talking about it. "You know how I am, I ask all the questions you don't want to hear. I was just curious. I wanted to find out more."

"Right," James said sharply again. He put his glass down, then he took Sylvia's out of her hand and put it down as well. "I remember we were talking about a golf game on the phone."

"But of course," Sylvia said eagerly. James thought that by now she had got the message and she was shutting up about it.

James couldn't concentrate on playing mini-golf. But then again he could never concentrate on anything, especially because a lot of the times he was forced to multi-task. But this was different. This whole day had been different. Now he wondered if he was really in a fit state to go on a mission tomorrow.

James thought about the events of the day. He had to cut himself some slack. This was his first mission after Tracy's death, after all. Still, he couldn't allow himself to be distracted by people bringing up Tracy and trying to confuse him and irritate him. He was James Bond, for God's sake. He was never confused by anything or anyone, at least that's what he always made himself believe. But he still knew that Sylvia was right. Everyone had two sides after all. But James had rarely communicated with that side of him that really did have feelings.

Maybe the real thing that was bothering him was that little chat with Moneypenny that he had had before. That must have been one of the only times he had had a proper conversation with her instead of a flirting contest. Why had he kissed her like that just before he went out of the office, he wondered? The strange thing was that he hadn't really done it for no reason at all, he had done it because he'd wanted to. That was another of his excuses for everything though. He did almost everything just because he wanted to. Maybe it was just his way of forgetting Tracy right then, but come on; it was _Moneypenny_, for God's sake. He had never been more than a casual acquaintance to her, never. Although he had always trusted her, and she had always been a good friend. Once or twice her had actually thought about calling her like she always practically begged him to do. Maybe he couldn't deny it any more, maybe he did care for her just a little bit. But what was worse, now he felt like he was being extremely unfair to Tracy. Tracy might be dead, but she wasn't gone, and she wouldn't be gone for a very long time to come. Even having Sylvia here he felt as if he was being unfair.

"Well, I win again," Sylvia interrupted his thoughts suddenly and smiled after she won about the tenth round of golf. "I must say, I never thought my luck would be so good, especially playing with you. Something bothering you tonight, James?"

"Not in the slightest," James said quickly. Like he was really going to talk to someone like Sylvia about what was going on in his mind, he thought to himself. "I guess sometimes even my luck has to run out at sometime, right?"

Sylvia stood close to him and nodded. "Yes, it sure is a miracle," she said and smiled.

"But anyway…" James stood in front of Sylvia and took her golf club. He tossed it to one side and wrapped his arms round her waist. "What do you say we both play something else now, huh?"

Then he kissed her, and that was when he knew that as much as he had wanted to, he couldn't give up this kind of life. It was the only life he had ever known, and the life he was best at living. He had always known that he was a womanizing twit, as Sylvia so charmingly put it. But that was just the way he was. If he wasn't then he had to face it, he would never be able to survive. His job was difficult enough as it was, and it was always necessary to move from one woman to another. Of course he always felt sorry when he had to leave. He wondered for a moment how many women he had promised he'd call throughout these years but he never got around to actually doing. Or…maybe he just didn't want to, he thought to himself. Maybe he liked being a womanizer sometimes.

It was less fun than he remembered, making love to Sylvia. Although it probably wouldn't only be with her, he wouldn't find it fun with any woman right then. Although at least it took his mind off Tracy for just a few minutes. Surprisingly enough, Sylvia didn't start talking incessantly afterwards. James realised that she probably thought she had said enough for one day. And he didn't blame her. She was probably embarrassed by now by all the things she said about Tracy. James gazed around at the dark room. He probably wouldn't be there any longer when Sylvia woke up the next morning. Just like Sylvia had said, he was here today, he was gone tomorrow. Sometimes he wished that he could be in one place and stick to it for longer than twenty minutes.

James still wanted to settle down someday, of course he did. In fact perhaps right then he didn't only wish that Tracy would come back, but he also wished that he could finally settle down, resign and have a normal life, even if Tracy was gone. Although he hated to admit it, but perhaps it was actually better if he moved from one woman to another. Any woman who stayed in constant close proximity with him was in immediate danger. James looked at Sylvia. He wondered in just how much danger she was in right then. Sadly, that was something that he hadn't considered when he married Tracy. Maybe he was just so excited at the chance to finally have a stable future that he had forgotten what was really important.

And right then James didn't know what was really important. Was it his loyalty to the service or was it that desire to finally settle down again? He suddenly remembered Moneypenny again. What could she be thinking right now, he wondered, what did she think of the way he was behaving a few hours ago? And just what exactly did he feel for her anyway? James thought about it. They had had plenty of laughs together, and she was a wonderful person who was always helpful and decent. Until now he thought that that was all he felt about her. But at a time like this, how could he be sure? He thought of all the times she had asked him to call her, to take her to dinner, even to marry her. She seemed to be joking, of course. James never took anything she said seriously, and he never thought that she meant it as more than just a joke. On that day it had been kind of refreshing to have a serious conversation with her. Of course then he remembered her tears at his wedding when he and Tracy exchanged vows. James had always been in no doubt that she did care for him, but he had never considered whether or not he did, until now. And he had to admit that despite his womanizing, despite his difficult job, there was some kind of chemistry that had always been there. Chemistry that perhaps he never wanted to accept was there, or he just ignored it. But something was definitely there. Had always been there, in fact, and that conversation he had had with her today had made him realise that perhaps he had never really wanted to ignore it.

James glanced at Sylvia. He thought she had fallen asleep when she stirred on the bed next to him. She turned around to face him. "James?" she whispered to him in the dark.

James paused. "Yes?" he said finally, his voice barely above a whisper.

Sylvia paused and looked at him seriously. "What was your wife like?" she mumbled sleepily. She didn't sound like she cared that he didn't want to talk about it at all, now it just seemed like she wanted to know just for the fun of asking.

"Why do you want to know?" James asked snappily.

Sylvia shrugged and fingered the bed-sheets. "I just figured that she must be a pretty strong person to want to marry someone like you," she said and smiled.

James nodded quickly. "Yes she was," he said. "A pretty strong person. Now would you mind shutting up about it – please?" he asked and rolled his eyes.

Sylvia hesitated. "OK. I'll shut up about it," she said but she carried on smiling, probably hoping that she could make him tell her more. Sylvia turned her back to James. He stared at her, wondering why she had this compulsive urge to upset people. She probably thought that she couldn't upset him, but if only she knew how wrong she was. In fact he was just about to start giving her a lecture about how there was a time and a place to mention everything, but this was neither. He knew it was a mistake to invite her over tonight.

"James?" Sylvia muttered again, not turning around.

James glanced at her. "What do you want now?" he asked and sighed.

Sylvia paused and turned around again. She looked uncomfortable. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked and looked hopeful that he'd tell her more.

James was about to just firmly tell her to shut her big mouth for once in her life and stop hurting people with things they didn't want to talk about. He glanced at her and sighed. Did he want to talk about Tracy? No, of course not. But still; perhaps if he talked about her, he might feel better. He might be able to forget about her faster if he talked about her, and then he could just get on with the life he'd always known and never have to think about her again.

"All right," James said quietly. "She was quite lovely to tell you the truth. Independent, beautiful."

"What else?" Sylvia asked and seemed interested.

James didn't feel like mentioning anything else about Tracy. How much _had _he known about her anyway? Not a terrific deal. By the time of their wedding he was only just beginning to get to know her in fact. That was when he wondered if perhaps he had been rushing things a bit too much when he asked her to marry him. In fact he always knew in the back of his mind that maybe he was making a mistake choosing this kind of life. But now he most definitely didn't want to talk about it any more now, especially not to Sylvia.

"I'm not in the mood any more, Syl," James said gloomily. "Besides, shouldn't we be turning in? Like I said I need to leave first thing in the morning."

"Like I said," Sylvia said and laughed. "Here today, gone tomorrow. A girl can really get fed up of that. I bet your wife wouldn't have liked it."

James didn't look at her. She was right again, of course. Women were always right. Tracy would have gotten tired of him eventually, just like every other girl he had met had. Maybe it was better that she lived in heaven now.

Sylvia studied his face carefully and looked serious. "You really loved her, didn't you, James?" she asked quietly.

James glanced at her. "More than you know," he muttered and looked away again. He didn't like Sylvia hearing him like this, so different from the way he usually acted. "I knew I would never find another girl like her."

"Am I close enough?" Sylvia asked and smiled. James still didn't look at her. "Sorry," Sylvia added. She moved closer to him. "You know James I thought I had you all figured out when I met you, but I've just realised, I don't really know you at all. To be honest, James, I didn't think you would ever fall in love. I didn't think you knew how to love," Sylvia added and laughed.

"Oh is that what you thought?" James asked snappily. He paused for a moment and sighed moodily. "It was different with her. With Tracy." James looked up at the ceiling and for a moment he thought that Tracy might be able to hear what he was saying.

"Tracy," Sylvia repeated and looked thoughtful.

"Sometimes you really do misunderstand me, Sylvia," James said and looked at her firmly. "But then again a lot of people do. I know what love is. You think it didn't mean anything to me when Tracy died? Or all the other women I couldn't save? You think it didn't hurt when I had to leave almost every girl I'd gotten attached to?"

"That's not what I meant. I wouldn't say something that rude, you know me better than that," Sylvia said and smiled again. "You've just always struck me as that kind of person who can move on easily, you know what I mean?"

"I don't really have any other choice," James said sadly.

They both stayed silent for a while. Sylvia glanced at him seriously this time. "Aren't you ever thinking of settling down again now then?" she asked him. "You're just going to carry on living like this?"

James looked at her thoughtfully. "I can't afford to settle down now," he said simply.

Sylvia nodded and rested her head on his chest. James put his arm round her. Maybe it was nice to have her here after all. It just made him forget about everything. And he didn't know any other way to make himself forget, he was ashamed to say.

Sylvia glanced up at him. "Do you like this life, then?" she muttered quietly.

James looked at her and thought about it. Of course he didn't like it, he thought to himself. Not any more at least. Maybe it was exciting at first, maybe it was even fun, but now he was tired of it, of the way everyone seemed to depend on just him all the time. Why did he always have to be the one who had to try the hardest all the time? But now the chance of a better life was gone, along with Tracy. And now he was back to that doomed life of a hero.

"It's the only life I've ever known," James whispered to Sylvia. He paused and thought about Tracy again. He remembered just before he proposed to her when they were talking about going to live in Rome or Paris or Monaco, and having three girls and three boys. He smiled for a second. It felt strange to imagine what his life might have been like right now if Tracy was still alive.

"But I was willing to give it up, for Tracy," James continued. He paused for a second. "We had all the time in the world, that's what I said to her. We were going to live somewhere else. Have lots of kids."

"Kids?" Sylvia smiled sceptically. "You never wanted kids, James."

James smiled. "I always wanted kids. I just never found the time to have any, that's all."

"You never cease to surprise me," Sylvia said. James knew that. He never ceased to surprise himself either. Sylvia paused for a second. "You know, I always thought it would be kind of fun to be you," she continued thoughtfully. "But now I'm not so sure."

"Just be thankful you're not me," he said truthfully. Could it really be considered fun to stare death right in the face on more occasions than he could remember, James thought to himself? Was it really fun to realise that a poisonous spider was crawling up your chest?

James suddenly realised that after this he probably wouldn't see Sylvia again. Here today, gone tomorrow, he remembered. "Well," James said. "You'll understand if I don't call again after I leave tomorrow."

"I won't lose sleep over it," Sylvia said and smiled. "Don't worry, James. I know who you are."

James knew who he was as well, and he couldn't let himself forget who he was. He had a duty to his country now. He had to forget about Tracy and ignore any other feelings that he might have. Tracy was gone now, and she wasn't coming back, as difficult as it was to accept that. And he couldn't forget that he was Bond…James Bond. And now he was back in action.

James glanced at Sylvia, who seemed to be daydreaming. She was a sweet girl, but she couldn't replace Tracy. No one could now. "Sylvia?" he muttered to her.

"Mmm?"

James sighed. "Tell me something. When you first met me, did you know that you could never have a real relationship with me?"

Sylvia laughed. "Of course I knew it," she said simply.

"And did you mind?" James asked thoughtfully.

Sylvia thought about it. "No, I didn't mind," she said finally. "I suppose you were just too charming for me to refuse, weren't you?" Then she laughed again. "You're such a playboy, James," she said.

Don't I know it, James thought to himself. "It's part of my job," he said simply.

"Oh of course, I forgot," Sylvia said. "Anything you do with women, you do for the sake of your country I suppose."

"Not always," James said and glared at her. "You don't know what it was like with Tracy."

Sylvia dropped her eyes again and looked embarrassed. "Do you miss her a lot, James?" she asked quietly.

What a stupid question. "Yes, I do," he said snappily again. He wished she would just stop talking about it now. He had had enough about Tracy. And yet he was the one who had brought it up. Why did he have to tell Sylvia of all people? But still, what was done was done, and it couldn't be undone.

Sylvia looked at him seriously this time. "You know James," she started off. "I know you think I'm fantastically annoying most of the times, but if you ever need anyone to talk to…just call me. I _can _listen to people - most of the times. You know that, don't you?"

Then she smiled. James almost laughed at her. He wasn't only laughing at her, actually. For some reason he had just found everything that had happened today kind of funny. "Yes," James said to Sylvia and nodded. "I know that."

Sylvia smiled and turned to the other side of the bed. "Well. Goodnight James," she said simply. "And probably goodbye," she added.

James smiled. "It's been fun," he said. "Night, Sylvia."

Maybe Sylvia wasn't as shallow and superficial as he thought she was, James thought to himself. It had been a while since he had had a serious conversation with a girl he had picked up. He knew that most of them thought that he was only interested in having sex with them every second of the day, but a conversation never hurt anyone. He just hadn't met anyone willing to yet. Sylvia surprised him sometimes. But then again, perhaps anyone could surprise him if he got to know them. James surprised himself sometimes as well. And it was strange, he thought that this conversation would only worsen his already bad mood, but it really had been fun. James couldn't remember the last time he had a serious conversation with a woman. Apart from the conversation with Moneypenny earlier of course. James really had been surprised with himself that time. He still couldn't figure out what that kiss meant. He had done it almost unconsciously. Perhaps he had just enjoyed their conversation a lot. But who cared now, anyway? Now he just had to think of the work that needed to be done the next day.

Sylvia was already fast asleep. James smiled and covered her with the bed-sheet. Then he went to sleep, rather taken aback, yet still strangely satisfied by the events of the day. Sleep was a different time though. Sometimes James had a disturbed night's sleep, with bad dreams. Especially after Tracy died, bad dreams had been getting increasingly common. They were mostly about her. Sometimes they were about other things, like how he had been tied to a table with a laser creeping towards him, or how he was almost fed to the sharks, or almost poisoned with a tarantula. It was strange how Tracy's death reminded him of all the times he had almost died. And of course he still felt terrible sometimes that he hadn't died with Tracy sometimes.

James wasn't exactly aware that he was dreaming when he felt someone or something shaking his shoulder. He flinched and pulled away. "Leave me alone, Sylvia, I'm not in the mood," he muttered to himself. But the shaking continued, and this time he heard a voice too, a voice barely above a whisper.

"James!" the voice said and shook his shoulder again.

James pulled his arm away again and muttered, "You're a woman of many parts, Pussy."

"James! It's me!" the voice said a bit louder this time. It was definitely a female voice. He had to open his eyes and see who it was. James opened his eyes slowly. He blinked.

"Tracy?" he whispered. It was true, or at least it seemed to be. His wife was standing right there, right in front of him. There was no doubt that it was indeed her. James still didn't realise that this was only a dream. He stared at Tracy.

"Hello, my love," Tracy said and smiled at him.

"Tracy…what are you doing here?" James whispered in awe. He wanted to reach out to her, he wanted to touch her and know that she was real, but somehow he couldn't move at all, he could only look at her as she smiled down at him.

James still couldn't believe that Tracy was back. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, but she was still there. "I must be dreaming," he muttered to himself.

Tracy nodded at him then. "It's true," she said quietly. "You are dreaming, and soon you will wake up and I will be gone."

Her voice sounded so sweet in the silence of the darkness. He loved hearing it again. But he didn't want her to leave. He couldn't lose her again, not now that she had come back. They had all the time in the world.

"No," James whispered. "Stay with me, Tracy."

Tracy shook her head sadly. "I can't," she said simply. "Fate took us apart, and it's going to keep us so." She paused. "I'm so sorry, James," she added sadly.

James looked up at Tracy's sad face. He looked at her beautiful green eyes, her red lips. He had to savour this moment, because soon Tracy would be gone again, gone forever. He had to take all of her in now that he had the chance. She still looked so beautiful, just as beautiful as when he had first met her. Why couldn't she stay, James thought to himself? He just couldn't bear losing her again. He looked at her brown hair, falling delicately around her shoulders.

Tracy didn't say anything else. James finally spoke to her. "Why did you come here, then?" he asked, still not more than whispering. "Is there something you wanted to say to me?"

Tracy's expression turned from sad to solemn and serious. "I have a million things to say to you," Tracy said. "But there is one particularly important thing. I want you to listen to me very carefully, James."

James nodded immediately. "Tell me, Tracy," he said eagerly. "What is it?"

Tracy looked deeply into James's big brown eyes. Her voice was soft. "I want you to get married again."

It was a simple sentence, but it was enough to leave James almost completely dumbfounded. He stared at Tracy. What exactly did she mean by that? "What do you mean?" James said alertly.

Tracy shrugged. Her voice was still soft and so sweet. "Just what you heard," she said simply.

James was beginning to panic slightly. "Tracy," he said firmly. "You're the only one I'd ever marry, you know that…"

Tracy smiled and took his hand. He looked down. He couldn't feel her hand on his. He could see it, but he couldn't feel anything. He stared at Tracy and stretched out his hand slowly. He couldn't feel her at all when he reached out to her. She wasn't really there. She was like a ghost, a phantom. But she was still as beautiful as ever. And now he just wanted to know what she meant.

"I know that, my darling," Tracy said to him. "But you were willing to give up your life for me. Wouldn't you do that for anyone else?"

"No," James whispered and shook his head. "No, no," he repeated. He looked down. He couldn't look at Tracy any more.

"James," Tracy said seriously. "Do you seriously think you can go on like this for much longer? How long before what happened to me happens to you?"

James shut his eyes. "Tracy…" he whispered sadly. He paused. "Tracy, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have let you die. I should have died with you…" James didn't know what else to say. Because what she was saying didn't make any sense to him, it was just random words that didn't make any sense to him at all.

James saw a tear in Tracy's eye. It rolled down her cheek slowly. He stretched his hand out again. He couldn't bear not being able to touch her. He wanted to feel her soft skin again, he wanted to comfort her. But once again he could feel nothing when he tried to wipe away Tracy's tear. "James, it wasn't your fault," she whispered to him. "Do you hear me?" she repeated a bit louder. "It wasn't your fault that there's so much cruelty in the world. You couldn't have saved me."

"I could have died with you," James whispered to her. "I wanted to…"

"No," Tracy said firmly. "You didn't want to, and you were never destined to. Stop talking about that, James, please. That's not what I came here for."

James looked at Tracy's face again. "I promised to myself…I'd never remarry," he said to Tracy simply. "I've only ever loved you, Tracy," he said to her and looked into her eyes. "Only you."

"Only me?" Tracy whispered.

James looked at her and lowered his eyebrows. "What are you trying to say, Tracy?" James whispered back to her.

"I'm just saying that I'm worried about you, James," she said to him softly.

James shook his head reassuringly. "You don't have to worry about me, Tracy," he told her. He sighed and looked at her beautiful face again. "Please stay here with me."

Tracy shook her head. "I can't," she said apologetically. "Soon it will be time for you to wake up, and I'll be gone. And you'll have no memory of this ever happening."

"No, Tracy, please stay for a bit longer," James said quickly. "Tell me why you're here."

Tracy sighed. "I'm here to tell you that there are people who care about you, James. You wanted to give up your life for me. Why not someone else?"

"There's no one, no one else," James said quietly and tried to take Tracy's hand again. But again he couldn't touch her, he couldn't feel her presence. He could only see her and hear her. He knew that she wasn't really there. He couldn't bear to look at her if he knew that she wasn't there. If he was going to see her he wanted the real Tracy to be here, and to stay here, not this phantom.

"Oh James," Tracy said and sighed. "You're not listening to yourself."

What did she mean by that remark, James thought to himself? Tracy sighed and spoke again. "I know you love me, James," she said sadly. "But I'm not the only one out there."

"Yes you are," James said and nodded vigorously. All right, so that wasn't entirely true. Tracy wasn't the only girl in the world, but she was most definitely the only one he could ever love.

"Say whatever you want," Tracy said sadly. "But just remember that out there, someone loves you."

"Don't you love me any more, Tracy?" James asked immediately.

"Oh James, don't make this difficult," Tracy said and rolled her big green eyes. "You know that I love you. I always have, and I always will. But I'm not the only one for you. I just thought you should know that."

James didn't know where the words that he said next came from or why he chose to say them, but he was dreaming after all, and in dreams anything was possible. "Oh I understand what you're doing here now," James said seriously to Tracy. "You think I'm in love with Moneypenny, don't you? You came back here because you think I'm in love with her."

"James –"

"Tracy you know that you've always been the only one for me," James interrupted her. "And nothing that you can tell me now can change my mind about that."

Tracy didn't say anything else, she just looked at him with a look that even James couldn't decipher. It was a half-melancholy, half I-know-what-you're-up-to look. But James wasn't up to anything. He still couldn't understand why Tracy was here. Of course he was happy that he could see her again. But he still couldn't understand exactly what she wanted. He didn't know why he said that last thing to her. She was confusing him more and more. Now she looked like she wanted to say something but didn't know how.

Tracy looked at him decisively after a few minutes. She was speaking gently, but James could tell that she was serious. "James, I want you to marry her," Tracy said.

James stared at her and didn't say anything. He didn't think he heard correctly at first, actually. But his hearing had never failed him. That was indeed what she had said. James considered asking her to repeat it, but he had indeed heard correctly.

"Her?" That was all James could say. He just carried on staring at Tracy, who was looking at me with a pitying look.

"I don't care when it is, James, if it's in five or ten or twenty years. Just promise me that you'll marry her one day," Tracy said, and another tear dripped down her beautiful, non-existent cheek.

James had realised by now that she wasn't really there, but he just felt compelled to reach out his hand and see if he could wipe her tear away. Once again she slipped through his fingers and he was discouraged again. She just looked so real…real enough to make him believe that she wasn't really a ghost, or whatever she was.

"No," he whispered to Tracy simply. He put his hand out to see if he could stroke her hair. He couldn't feel anything, but her hair fluttered at his touch. He wondered if she could feel his touch. Tracy smiled and took his hand in her ghostly white palm. He couldn't feel her hand, only a tingling sensation in his fingertips. He couldn't bear not being able to feel her. He wanted to know that she was there, even if she wasn't.

Tracy kissed his hand, and once again all he felt was a slight tingling sensation. James whispered to Tracy again. "How can I?" he muttered to her.

Tracy's look turned into a decisive glare this time. "Do it for me, James," she said to him firmly. "If you truly do love me like you said you did, then do it for me."

"No," he said again, louder this time. "No, I can't. I won't!"

"It's not a question, James," she told him. Tracy had always been good at giving people orders, but James couldn't listen to her now. She probably didn't know what she was talking about. "I want you to do it," she continued. "I want you to be happy, James. I want you to live the rest of your life the way you want it. And I saw her at our wedding. She cares about you. She cares about you a lot. Promise me you'll do it at sometime. For me."

Another tear dripped down Tracy's cheek, and this time Tracy reached out and wiped it away herself. She sniffed quietly. James was still staring at her. "Why did you leave me, Tracy?" James whispered to her seriously.

Tracy looked at him. "You know why, James," she said to him. "You said it yourself, didn't you? Sometimes people just have to go. And I had to go. I hated it, but I had to go," Tracy paused for a second, "and now I have to go again," she finished off and smiled sadly. James could vaguely tell that she was getting more and more blurry.

"No!" James said loudly. "You can't go now. Please don't."

"Promise me you'll marry her, my darling," she said again. She seemed to be getting further away. "Promise me you'll do it for me. I don't care when. Just promise me. I want you to be happy."

"I can only ever be happy with you," James said. "Tracy, _please_!"

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Her voice was almost only an echo now. Her brown hair was becoming a dull shade of grey. Her emerald green eyes were getting whiter and whiter. Her blue dress was getting paler. She was getting further and further away from him. "Do it for me, please," she shouted to him again. Her voice was distant. "If you love me, you'll do it. Promise me."

"Tracy, I…" James' words trailed away. He didn't know what else to say. But he had to say something fast, because Tracy was slowly disappearing. But he couldn't say yes. He just couldn't. He didn't want to.

He waited a few more seconds. He couldn't see Tracy properly now. He could only see her outline and her echoing voice, saying something that he couldn't make out. "Promise me!" he heard again.

Promise her. If I love her, I have to promise her, James thought to himself. Even if it's not true, I just have to promise her. She'll be gone soon, and I will never see her again. I have to promise her. I just have to.

James didn't know what compelled him to say what he said next, but something did. "I promise," he shouted to Tracy. "Yes. I promise."

Tracy got even dimmer. He could barely see her any more, but somehow, somehow he could tell from her voice that she was smiling. "Thank you," she said to him gratefully. There was a slight pause. "I have to go now, James," she said apologetically. "But don't forget that I love you. Always and forever."

"I love you, Tracy," James shouted out to her. And then she was gone. He couldn't see her any more. He didn't know where she had gone. She had vanished into thin air. She was nowhere to be seen any more. She was gone once more, slipped through his fingers. One minute she was there, the next she had vanished completely.

James felt someone shaking his shoulder once again. "James!" he heard a voice too, a voice different from before.

"Tracy?" he said immediately, hopefully.

"James, wake up!"

James opened his eyes. It wasn't Tracy, it was Sylvia. She was the one who was shaking his shoulder. James sat up on the bed and looked around, just checking to see if Tracy was still there. But the room was empty, except for Sylvia, who looked worried.

James turned to her. "I was dreaming," he said and tried to sound calm, but in reality he was covered with sweat and breathing hard. James glanced at Sylvia.

"I know," she said and nodded. "You were shouting Tracy's name. I heard you."

"Was I?" James asked simply. He paused for a second. "I must have been having a bad dream, then."

James pretended not to remember the dream. He had to, because he didn't want to tell Sylvia what had happened to him, what the dream had been about. It was the most bizarre bad dream that he had ever experienced. There was no other word for it. Just completely and utterly bizarre. What had Tracy told him? "I want you to marry her." She wanted him to marry _Moneypenny_? It was _Moneypenny_, for God's sake. He hadn't even felt the remotest possible amount of love or affection for her. Until today and this goddamned conversation that was. Goddamn feelings, James thought to himself angrily. Why did he have to have felt like that? And now the absolute worst thing was that he had made a promise to Tracy, a promise that he couldn't get out of. She was his wife, and he had made her a promise. And James never went back on his promises. Still; it was a ridiculous thing to promise. He had never ever thought of something like that.

Sylvia glanced at him sympathetically and massaged his shoulders. "Oh, I'm sorry about that, James," she said quietly. "I didn't realise it still bothered you so much. Do you want to talk about it?"

James glanced at her and shook his head quickly. "No," he said immediately. "What time is it?"

The truth was that James wasn't really interested in what the time was. He just wanted to get Sylvia's attention away from that dream of his. He rubbed his eyes. Sylvia glanced at her watch. "I can't see in the dark," she mumbled and yawned. "I think it's just past midnight."

"Hmm," James nodded but his mind was elsewhere. He thought of Moneypenny again. He thought of what Tracy had said to him. Do it for me, James. He still remembered her exact words. He sighed. He needed to seriously think about this.

Sylvia was running her hands down his sweat-covered back. James rolled his eyes and thought, "she must want more tonight. Damn that." Her mouth was nuzzling into his neck. Normally, James would love this, but this was one of the few times that James didn't actually feel like it. Well, not much anyway. But he had a lot on his mind right then. He needed to think.

"Sylvia?" he said quietly.

"What?" she mumbled into his neck.

James sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Go back to sleep," he said finally. "This isn't the right time."

"Isn't it?" Sylvia mumbled again, still not quite giving in but getting more and more half-hearted.

"No," James shook his head, but he didn't think Sylvia saw it in the dark anyway. "I have some things I need to think about."

Sylvia looked disappointed. "You OK, James?" she asked.

He nodded. "But of course," he said and smiled at her. "Now go back to sleep. We'll talk again tomorrow."

Sylvia laughed sarcastically again. "I wouldn't count on that," she said but then she shrugged and did as James asked. "Night then, James," she mumbled.

James didn't say anything. He didn't think Sylvia cared that much whether or not he made love to her again. She had only come to him for a bit of fun after all. And it had been fun, but now it wasn't any more. After James lay back down, Tracy's image kept coming back into his head and preventing him from getting to sleep. He still remembered the dream perfectly. He remembered how he couldn't touch her, how every time he stretched out his hand to her, she just slipped through his fingers. Slipped through his fingers, just like she had done on the day she was shot. One minute she was there, the next minute she had slipped away and he was never going to see her again. At that point he couldn't help imagining Tracy again. The way he felt when he got back in that goddamned car and glanced at her, and realised that she was dead. It was the most terrible feeling he had ever felt in his life, too terrible to describe in words. Too terrible not to let himself cry as she died in his lap.

James hated tears. They didn't do any good. They made him look weak and pathetic. He almost felt ashamed that he had cried when Tracy died. If he was any kind of a man, he would have been able to just bear it. That's what he thought then.

James lifted a finger up to his cheek for no apparent reason. When he took it away, he noticed that it was very slightly wet from a single, solitary tear that had dripped from his eye. James studied his finger carefully, as if he had just discovered something incredible. He suddenly felt great anger rising inside him. Forget about Tracy. She was in the past. Why did he have to see her again now? But the only problem was that he image would never be erased from his memory.

Suddenly James heard Sylvia's voice and it interrupted his thoughts abruptly. "James, you're crying!" she said loudly.

James turned around. Sylvia was leaning over him and studying his face. He hadn't noticed that she had been watching him all this time. "I saw you," she said almost excitedly. "Why?"

James looked at her angrily. Would she never just leave him alone to think? Couldn't she realise when people needed some alone time? "I thought I told you to go to sleep," he said to Sylvia snappily.

"Oh I know, I know," she said and rolled her eyes. "But I just wanted to see what you would do. And I saw you cry, I swear I did. I want to know why."

She was such a little girl, James thought to himself. Couldn't she realise when people needed some alone time? "That is none of your business," James said and quickly rolled on top of her.

"I know, but I just wanted to…I mean…" her words were cut off when James kissed her almost forcefully. Of course he wasn't in the mood, not at a time like this, but he thought that this might be the only way to get her to shut her big mouth for a while and just stay out of his damn business. When you've just had a dream about your dead wife that was shot on your wedding day, staining her wedding gown in her brain matter, then yes, you tend to get a tad sensitive about it, that was what he wanted to tell her once and for all, and that she could just shut up about it.

But he didn't tell her that, he just made love to her almost aggressively. It made him feel better just for a second. Then he rolled over next to Sylvia again and sighed. He was hoping that she would just fall asleep, but unfortunately she didn't. "Oh James, you're impossible," Sylvia said and laughed. James didn't reply, he just glanced at her from the corners of his eyes.

She didn't say anything else. It was strange but he almost felt embarrassed when he was with her now. Only because she had seen a tear drip down his cheek. One single tear. What was the flipping big deal, he thought to himself angrily? Doesn't everybody hurt at sometime? Doesn't everybody cry, even the great James Bond? In a way it hurt him that everyone thought that he could never ever be upset in any way. When was everyone going to learn that yes, he did have feelings. If you cut him, would he not bleed?

James rolled over to the other side of the bed and sighed. He started thinking of Moneypenny again, and of his strange dream. God, this was the worst time ever to suddenly realise that he had feelings for her. For Moneypenny. Otherwise why would his dead wife ask him to marry her, for God's sake? But he wouldn't, of course. Never. He was back to his old life now, and if he did have feelings for her, then to hell with them. They could just go right back where they came from and never bother him again.

What do you want, James, something in his head said? It could have been Tracy's voice, or it could have been someone else's voice, he couldn't exactly tell. Still, it was a voice, and it was talking to him, and it was asking him what he wanted to do. And he was ashamed to say it, but this was the first time in his life when he could honestly say that he didn't know. He really and truly didn't know what he wanted. It didn't take that long to realise that yes, he did want to settle down again, if not now then some day at least. Like Tracy had said, he didn't know when, it could be in five or ten or twenty years, but one day, he was going to get out of this hellhole. That was truly the only thing that he could call it right then, just a stupid hellhole with nothing remotely interesting or exciting going on it, just danger and heartbreak and death and blood and horrible demises. And what did he get for his efforts? A one-night stand with a beautiful woman, who he never saw again after that.

James glanced at Sylvia. She had finally fallen asleep now. He looked at her curiously as he slept. She was sleeping with a curt smile on her face, seeming satisfied by her visit. And she had come to him, and she was happy, while knowing that she could never have more of a relationship with her. She knew it, and yet she still preferred to come to him for a one-night stand instead of go somewhere and find someone who could give her a good and settled life. James was tired of that. He was tired of guns and martinis and impossible little gadgets that he never brought back intact and beautiful, sexy and evil girls that he was always convinced he could bring to his side. But _so what if he could_??? What kind of pleasure, what kind of satisfaction had he ever gained from that, apart from a job well done? How exactly did he benefit from this kind of life? How did it help him to be…happy?

But then he remembered something. His job didn't require him to be happy. His ob wanted him to kill and to save the world. It didn't mention anything about happiness in the job description. In fact, he had never ever achieved something like happiness, except when he met Tracy. So what on earth was he supposed to do now?

He pictured Moneypenny, slumped over at her desk at the office, thinking about him and wondering, and worrying about where he was. She could be so damn _nice _to him sometimes, James thought to himself. Even though she knew that he never took her out to dinner or called her or anything – she still didn't lose hope. And she was the only person in the world that he really felt that he could trust. Wasn't trust important? Had he trusted Tracy when he met her?

The first time he had met Tracy was awkward. He had barely even known her for a month before he asked her to marry him, for God's sake. How could he possibly think that they had enough chemistry to pull it off? In fact, Tracy had hated him at first. She didn't want anything to do with him. And then suddenly, out of some strange impulse they fell in love. And now what did Tracy want? She wanted him to marry Moneypenny. _Marry _her. James had sworn never to get married again. And he would keep to his word for as long as it took. Tracy said that she didn't care how soon. She had said _one day. _One day, he was going to retire from all of this, it was true. But until that day, he wouldn't get married, no matter what he might feel for someone…someone new.

James suddenly stopped thinking and turned towards Sylvia. "Syl?" he said aloud in the dark.

It took a while before she answered. "Mmm?" she mumbled sleepily.

"Are you awake?" James asked.

"Mmm," Sylvia repeated. "What do you want?"

She sounded the slightest bit annoyed, because he probably had woken her up after all. But she deserved it, James thought, she always annoyed him.

"Do you think I should ever get married again?" It was a daft question, James knew it. And he knew that Sylvia wouldn't be able to answer it for him, but who even cared what he asked now? She was sleepy, she could answer anything.

"I don't know James, do you want to?" Sylvia mumbled in her sleep.

James paused. "I don't know," he said seriously.

"Mph," Sylvia mumbled groggily. James smiled at her and gave her a peck on her cheek.

"Never mind. You sleep," he said to her. "You just go right to sleep. Sweet dreams, darling." James turned around to the other side. He wondered what was going to happen tomorrow, what was going to happen after one more mission. What would tomorrow bring, what new surprises?

Poor Moneypenny, he thought again for a minute. She had been so nice to him all these years, and for what? Nothing, not even one single date. Of course James still had Tracy in mind frequently. But would it really hurt? Tracy had told him to do so, and he had promised her something. OK, so it was something big, but…would it really hurt to give old Moneypenny a call just once in a blue moon? Would it really? She was a fantastic friend, and they had always had a great relationship. She understood him, and she was one of the few people who did. He had never fooled her for a second.

He remembered his talk with her on that day as well. She was actually _sorry _for what had happened to him. She had seemed truly and genuinely sorry. James didn't know why, but because of that, and because of that upsetting, yet enlightening dream, he was prompted to do something…at some point. Perhaps when he felt a bit better and managed to completely get over Tracy. But definitely…sometime.

James carried on thinking about that for what seemed like hours, until sleep finally came over him. It was strange, but today's events had actually made James more tired and exhausted than he had ever been after any mission...

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The next morning, James got up at the crack of dawn. He was still bothered by seeing Tracy in that dream last night, but he couldn't let it bother him now. Now he had important work to do.

Just before he left, James glanced over to the bed where Sylvia was still fast asleep. He leaned over the bed and looked down at her. He smiled. She actually looked sweet when she was sleeping, her long black hair fanning around the pillow. James reached over and gently pushed her hair out of her face. Sylvia stirred.

"James?" she mumbled sleepily.

"Shh," James said to her and put his finger to his lips. "Go back to sleep."

Sylvia yawned and stretched. She never did what she was told, James thought to himself and rolled his eyes. "Where are you going?" she muttered to him.

"I'm leaving," James said. "Now go back to sleep. I'll call you, I promise."

James didn't know if that was really true or not, but he had to tell her that to keep her happy. And besides, it had been fun with her last night, it really had been after all.

Sylvia opened her eyes very slightly and looked around the room. "Where are my clothes?" she said and yawned again.

James looked around the room and picked up Sylvia's red dress. He tossed it at Sylvia and it landed right on her face. James laughed amusingly as she took it off her face and tried to use it as a bed-sheet. She pushed back her hair and stretched sleepily again. "What time is it?" Sylvia asked and tried to sit up.

"It's just gone five," James said. "Get some rest."

"Hmm," she said sleepily and put her head back down on the pillow. Just before he left, James went back over to the bed. He leaned over and kissed Sylvia goodbye. Sylvia had closed her eyes again and she smiled from the corner of her mouth.

James smiled at her and got up. He took his hat from the hat-stand and opened the door, when he heard Sylvia's voice again. "James?" she mumbled and sat up this time.

James turned around. Sylvia smiled at him. "Good luck," she said.

James smiled and nodded. "Goodbye, Syl," he said. "And – thanks for last night," he added.

Sylvia nodded. "You know how enjoyable it is to spend time with you." James knew that she was being sarcastic. He smiled.

"You know, it's strange how you still manage to talk like that this early in the morning."

Sylvia smirked. "Well. Don't forget to call me. We'll play another game of golf sometime."

"Well, I couldn't miss that for the world," James said to Sylvia, and then he walked out of the door, leaving Sylvia there to go back to sleep, knowing that he wasn't likely to call her any time soon. James closed the door behind him.

So he went. He left, he went to Amsterdam and to cut a long story short, his mission was once again accomplished. But there was one difference this time. It was that this time, on this mission, he actually felt as if he wouldn't mind if he died. He didn't know why. It wasn't only because of Tracy, but maybe she was part of it. It was because he just felt as if he had been through enough so far. Of course it wasn't like he _wished_ that he would die. But at that specific time in his life, he truly felt like he couldn't care less if he did. At least he would die knowing that he had done his duty for the world.

All the time while he was away, he thought of Tracy and of how he could avenge her death. It was hell when he came face to face with Blofeld again. And this time there were two of him, creating doubles of himself just to confuse James. In a way, James felt like he had failed his mission by the end of it, because he had let Blofeld get away once again. In fact the only reason he had agreed to go on that mission was not because of those diamonds at all, it was just because he wanted revenge. And he hadn't got it, which only made him all the more frustrated. He felt like he hadn't completed his mission, even though in reality everything worked out perfectly.

There were the girls, of course. He met Plenty O'Toole at a casino, but unfortunately she came to a tragic end tied to the bottom of a swimming pool. Tiffany Case had helped him a lot, but of course there had been no chemistry. This was one of the few missions that he had been on when he felt that the only thing he had to do was his duty and not get his feelings tangled up in any of it. The sex was good, as always. But there was just no _spark_. Well, there couldn't be, could there, not when he still had a bad case of Tracy on the brain.

It was a difficult mission, but he got through it, just like he had survived all his other ones. Nothing was different. The typical megalomaniac trying to destroy the world. The only difference was that _he _felt different. For once, he just felt like he had to do his job and he didn't care about the girls or about having fun while he was at it. True, there were a couple of fun nights, but whether there were or there weren't, James wouldn't have cared either way.

James got back to London feeling satisfied that humanity was safe once again, but dissatisfied that he hadn't managed to do what he had wanted to do most, which was to finally kill the person who had dispatched Tracy, like he should have done a thousand times before. Still; his mission had been accomplished, and he tried to remind himself that that was the main thing. At least he had managed to stay alive.

All the way back to London, James thought about Tracy and how she visited him on that night. How he couldn't touch her, couldn't feel her presence in the room…and how she had told him to get married again. He hadn't had any time to think about that while he was away, but that was something that he did have to put some thought into. Even if it was only a dream, he still took everything that Tracy said seriously. He was still sort of bothered by it, not knowing whether or not he should do what he wanted to do or what Tracy told him to do. Her words kept echoing in his head almost all the time, constantly bothering him. _Marry her…do it for me, James. I love you…_he had promised to her in his dream that he would marry again. He didn't say when, he just said at some time. But how could he? How could he now, when his heart was still healing? And how could he possibly think that he had feelings for _Moneypenny _of all people? She was sweet, but he had always told himself that she was just not his type. Until now, that is. It's too bad that perhaps he realised that at the most inconvenient time. Because the fact was that James had had an epiphany after that night. That he wouldn't have had that dream if it wasn't trying to tell him something. Maybe something important. Something that would happen in the future.

As much as James thought that yes, he might indeed have feelings for someone like Moneypenny, he just didn't want to admit it for some reason. It had been different with the girls he met on the mission. He knew that they had been there purely for informational purposes. But it was different now. This was one of the times in his life where he really had to decide what he wanted to do.

Of course he would continue his job, there was no doubt about that. He had decided that that was more important than he realised. As much as he sometimes hated it, sometimes he enjoyed the sense of excitement, and then all the praise he would get afterwards for being a credit to the nation. Even if he always insisted that he didn't really do anything much and "it was nothing, really…", or something along those lines. He had to admit that he enjoyed that. But he also had to admit that his feelings could get in the way sometimes. They really could, and now he had to decide what to do about it.

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The hat landed directly on the hat-stand, just like it always did. He arrived back at Headquarters soon enough to give M a debriefing of the case. He wasn't yet finished thinking about everything that he needed to think about, but now there was no more time. He was already there. He was already there, and no sooner was he there than he saw Moneypenny again, who turned and smiled her usual smile. The smile that made him feel at home.

"James!" she said happily. "You're back. I was getting worried about you."

She walked over to him. James smiled and didn't say anything. He gave her a peck on the cheek. "Of course I'm back," James said. They seemed to be back on friendly terms now, not on awkward terms any longer like they had been before in that conversation. In fact she had probably forgotten all about it by now.

"So, have you brought me back a souvenir from your trip?" she asked. "Chocolates? Flowers? Although I wouldn't count on it," she said and laughed.

James shook his head. "I'm afraid this time I was in too much of a hurry."

Moneypenny shook her head in mock disapproval. "Tsk tsk. That's the flimsiest excuse you've ever given me."

James smiled. "Well. All I can say is, don't stop hoping. You just might get lucky one day."

Usually when James said something like that to Moneypenny, he was joking. But this time, he knew that perhaps he wasn't joking. At least that's what he felt like.

Just before James went to open the door to M's office, Moneypenny glanced at him and her look got serious. "Oh, James," she said just before he stepped inside. "I just wanted to say – I'm sorry if I upset you the other day. You know, the day before you left. I didn't mean to –"

James waved a hand in the air, motioning for her to stop talking. "Well. All is forgiven, I'm sure," he said simply and smiled a warm smile at her. James was about to say something else, when the buzz and the green light on the office door distracted him.

He glanced at Moneypenny before he went in. "Don't go away," he said and smiled. She nodded slowly, and James disappeared into the office.

When James came out, Moneypenny looked thoughtful. He wondered what she had been thinking about while he was away, and more importantly whether or not she was still willing to give him another chance. And this time he was talking about a real chance. Hopefully, that was.

She looked up and smiled half-heartedly at him. She didn't say anything, she just looked at him with her head turned slightly to the side. James smiled and went over to her. They looked at each other without saying anything for a long time, a couple of strange smiles on their faces. To James it seemed like hours, looking into Moneypenny's dark blue eyes.

Since she wasn't saying anything, James decided to speak again. At first he didn't know what to say. He knew that she hadn't forgotten their previous conversation, but this time it took even someone like James a while to come up with something good enough to say. So he just said something that he thought was the only thing that he could say. "Just – don't give up on me yet, Penny," he said reassuringly.

"Oh, never," Moneypenny said and almost laughed. James didn't say anything else. In fact, after he said that he just walked right towards the door and stepped out without a second look at her. He knew that he might have discouraged her, but he just didn't know what else to say. It was one of the first time in his life when he really didn't know what to say in front of a woman, which he still found very strange.

James simply took his hat from the hat-stand, walked out of the door and walked briskly back to his apartment. It was good to be home again. That's what he thought after each of his missions. As soon as he went through the door, he immediately poured himself a drink and sat down. He sighed to himself. He suddenly found himself wondering what his life would bring to him next. If he had really meant it when he told Moneypenny not to give up on him yet. Maybe he had made a mistake when he told her that. He had said similar things to that many times to her, of course. But he was always joking. He was never serious. But this time, there was something, James didn't know exactly what it was, but there was something that compelled James to say that, that made him feel like he had to say that, something that made him feel like he _wanted _to say that. Like he really wanted to do something about this at some point. In fact he knew that he wanted to do something like this at some point.

James took a sip from his drink. Perhaps he should take a break from all of this for a while, from all this confusion. Take a vacation, maybe. Go somewhere far away, and just get away from all of this. He was always telling Moneypenny that he would take her on vacation at some point. He was joking about that as well, of course. In fact, now he thought about all of the other things he had promised her, but had never actually gone through with. It was strange, but now he was actually thinking seriously about all those things, about her. He knew that he had always cared about her, but he just supposed that he had always been in denial. He remembered the way he had kissed her the day before he left. It had been a different kiss than just the usual peck on the cheek he gave her. He knew that it had been, and he couldn't keep denying that he was actually seriously thinking about her. Especially after that dream of his, which actually ended up being quite enlightening. It was upsetting of course, but it was most definitely enlightening.

James spent the rest of those days quietly, feeling a lot better than when he was still grieving for Tracy. Now he felt considerably lighter than before, in a much better mood. He didn't have such a heavy heart any more. Of course he still thought of Tracy every day, wondering what his life would be like right now if she was still here. But there was no way to know, and he had to stop looking back and wondering on what might have been, because what might have been was never actually going to happen, and he just had to put up with that. Now his life was going to change.

He would still accept missions when it was necessary, of course he would. But after this encounter, James had decided on something. That from now on he was going to just go with the flow of what happened to him, not just do what he felt was the right thing to do. Because sometimes, in some cases, there were things that he thought were the right thing to do, but they were really the wrong thing to do. Like saving the world. Who said exactly that that was something that he always had to do? Now he wanted to live his life just a little bit differently. Maybe it really was time to focus on his feelings a little bit, and just take it easy after his terrible ordeal. Ordeals, plural actually. He had been through a thousand more terrible things than just Tracy's death. That didn't mean that he wasn't still going to accept important work – but he was just going to take it easy from now on.

James glanced at his desk. Tracy's picture wasn't on it. He had forgotten to take it out of the drawer on that night when Sylvia kept picking it up and upsetting him by talking about Tracy. He went over to the desk, opened the drawer and took out the picture. He was right; it didn't upset him as much to look at it as it did a few weeks ago.

He smiled at the picture, and Tracy smiled back at him from inside the frame. "Thanks for bringing me to my senses," he whispered to the picture. "Perhaps…perhaps I will think about your advice after all. Even if you weren't really here a few nights ago." James paused and sighed. "I love you," he added to the picture, and smiled sadly. He propped the picture up on his desk again.

Then, without quite knowing what he was doing, James walked over the telephone. He didn't know why; again, there was just some impulse that made him do it. Then, James dialled a number. It was a familiar number, one he had been told to dial plenty of times – but he always just said that he had never got around to it. He reminded himself that from now on he would just go with the flow and see what happened.

He couldn't wait to see what happened next…

_**Author's note: OK, it's not perfect – but hey; I tried!**_


End file.
